sloths and inventing yourself

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“Oh that we would have the courage to be unapologetically ourselves, because therein we worship God most truly.”

I penned this thought in my journal a year ago.  I had no idea then what the following 12 months would take me through yet the cry remains just as urgent in my heart as it did then.

Have you seen Zootopia yet?  I love it.  I love the message, the imagination behind it (Disney always nails it), and…the sloths.  If you’ve seen the film or even just the trailer you’ll know that the beloved creatures talk…at…a…pace……slower…than…a………turtle.

Sometimes I feel like one of them, slowly inventing myself one word at a time.  I think God is taking his time writing my story, although I have no idea why.  I guess good things come to those who wait.  As I once heard a wise man say, “Just do whatever God tells you to do next.”

But I’m so content right now.  I truly feel more content than I ever have before.  It’s taken a while to get to that place, though.  Up until a few months ago, I have felt the need to always be moving forward as fast and furious as possible.  I never wanted to settle or sell myself short or miss my calling, even though I had no idea what “my calling” was.

As some of you know, I wasn’t able to finish the midwifery program this spring because of some health issues that led me to come home early.  I hated myself for not being able to finish something that I started.  Even though the choice was made in the best interest of my health, I couldn’t bear the thought that I was actually vulnerable and human, not strong and invincible like I’ve always wanted to be.

As my health has gotten back on track thanks to rest, less stress, and weekly therapy, I have come to accept all that has happened in the past 6-8 months.  I’ve also come to several conclusions:

I don’t want to be busy anymore.

I’m done meeting myself coming and going, never having the energy to work with my whole heart and never having time to truly rest.  I’m prioritizing my health (physical, mental, and spiritual) because I’ve learned the hard way that you can’t give what you don’t have.

Everything worthwhile in life starts with passion.

While I was unemployed for a month, I gave myself permission to do things I love—polish up on my guitar and piano skills, watch shows and videos that inspire me, and generally take risks creatively.  One of the shows I got hooked on for a while was Fixer-Upper.  Something about seeing a sad, old house be transformed into a perfect home just hits me right in the feels.  What I didn’t realize is that it was setting me up to work with my friend at a real estate company where we do fix and flips all the time.  And thanks to Chip and Joanna, I was already familiar with a lot of the process and terms—and had also seen how non-glamorous flipping really is.  If I’d just forced myself to be serious and try to find the perfect job from ground zero, I would have missed an opportunity to do something I love.

Perhaps everything we’ve come to believe as infallible Christian truth is actually just wishful thinking.

Hear me out here—it’s just something I’ve been pondering a lot lately.  For example, the principle of “whatever you sow, you will reap” has become more of a mantra along the lines of “give a lot and God will give you even more.”  While that is not necessarily the case, though it may be true in some cases, either way, selfish ambition should never be our motivation for giving anything.  Whether it’s money or time or love or whatever, our goal should be simply to share “the milk of human kindness,” no strings attached.  Jesus hardly had any earthly possessions and he himself said, “Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” (Matt. 5:3)  If you look closely at the definition of the Greek ptochos, translated into English as “poor in spirit,” you’ll see that it refers to the paupers, the beggars, the helpless, and those without formal intellectual schooling.  Theirs is the kingdom of heaven?  Then what do we think we’re doing, those of us who own cars and houses and more money than any other demographic in the world, going around and expecting to be blessed when the blessing is not ours to take?

I’m getting way out of my depth.  I’m no expert on theology or biblical studies, and I’m just as guilty as the next guy for believing that God simply desires that we “prosper and be in health, even as our souls prosper,” period.  (3 John 1:2)  But what if that’s actually the last thing on his list, along with the comfortable, pride-worthy lifestyle we somehow associate with Christianity?  What if what matters most to God is that we know him—really know him.  Everything else would follow if that were truly our goal.  (Matt. 6:33)  I would argue that the most dedicated believers are the ones who fight for their lives every single day as a result of walking with Jesus.  Their existence is anything but comfortable, yet to them, the sacrifice of their comfort and life security is nothing compared to the joy and peace they know in Yahweh.  Their faith in God is relentless despite their circumstances, while mine tends to waver at the slightest suggestion of things not going the way I think they should.

I hope we never stop growing, you and I.  No matter our age, we still have our entire life ahead of us, for we have eternity to find out who we really are.  But today, whoever we are, let’s embrace it and not try to hide even a little bit, for the Father is seeking true worshippers to worship in spirit and in truth.  (John 4:23)